Mental preparation for birth is also preparation for parenthood.
Childbirth will require you to work through discomfort, uncertainty, fear, and things that don't go according to plan. Parenthood will do the same thing.
You don't have to be fearless.
You don't have to know exactly how everything will go.
You just need to practice meeting hard things with knowledge, preparation, flexibility, and the ability to return to peace.
I distinctly remember walking through a Kohl's one day with my almost two year old when a stranger came up to me and said, "He looks like he's going to be walking soon. Good luck…" His tone was meant as a warning that my life was about to be full of inconvenience and negativity. But I was confused. Aren't two year olds supposed to learn to walk? I would be pretty bummed if he didn't. Won't him walking mean I can carry more stuff from the car instead of holding him and the groceries? Why do so many people seem to focus on the negatives and dread milestones for their kids? I was annoyed and frustrated that someone would view my child's proper development as a nuisance.
I later realized that my mental training for birth also translated to moments like these. It frustrated me because I had grown to question this critical approach to parenthood. Instead, I had chosen to maneuver it positively and take challenges as an opportunity for growth. Is it a little less convenient when your child is now able to run away from you? Yes. Is it still a good thing? Yes. And what can I do about it? I can be intentional to teach him, not just put up with him. Being consistent with discipline is hard. But I learned that kind of determination when I birthed him.
The only way I had grown these mental muscles, even before I was a parent, was through mentally training for childbirth. When I felt intimidated in anticipating childbirth, I reminded myself that I absolutely do not want to stay pregnant forever. So what is going to happen eventually? Contractions. That must mean that contractions are good, not bad, because they are giving me what I ultimately want: my baby. This struggle is a friend, not an enemy. So what can I control as I let each contraction do its work? I can focus my mindset, dial in on my breathing, remember my intentional plan for coping, and reflect on my education for my birth. All of that preparation moved right into my mindset as a mother because it is a part of me now.
This struggle is a friend, not an enemy.
So let's start building those muscles in pregnancy and get as ready as we can be!
Here are five ways to mentally prepare for labor and birth from a doula and mama who has given birth twice:
1. Cognitive Reframing
Your body can handle almost anything. It's your mind you have to convince.
You are going to have challenging thoughts during pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. Reframing doesn't mean lying to yourself or pretending something is easy when it isn't. It means telling yourself the truth instead of automatically believing your worst thought.
Your thought process could look something like this (NHS):
- Catch the thought
- Check the facts
- Look for alternatives
- Replace the thought
Example:
You have a day where you are completely over being pregnant and think, "I can't do this anymore!"
First, catch the thought — I can't keep going.
Then check the facts. The fact is that you actually can keep doing it. You just don't want to, and it is unpleasant. That is good to admit! But there is a difference between saying, "I really don't want to do this anymore," and saying, "I can't do this anymore."
After that, look for alternatives. Instead of sitting in that thought and making it bigger, tell yourself something like, "Even though I don't want to do this, I'm going to do it anyway. I am going to have a little treat, do something I enjoy, and check something off my to-do list. If, after I do these things, I still feel this way, I will talk to someone that I trust to speak truth to me."
And finally, replace the thought:
"I have made it this far in my pregnancy. I have had hard days before and I made it through those, too. I know that sitting in negativity will not help me. I am going to make the most of the things that I can do, and also rest and give myself grace because this is a challenging season. But it being a challenge does NOT mean that I cannot do it. I am up for the challenge."
Another example:
"I am so scared of birth. It looks scary, and I am afraid I will have a birth like some of the traumatic stories I have heard."
First, catch the thought — I am anxious about birth.
Check the facts. The fact is that I do not have complete control over how my birth turns out. I will learn WHY the things I am afraid of happen in birth so that I can take action and give myself the best odds of avoiding them.
Then, look for alternatives. If something unexpected does happen, I am going to choose peace knowing that I did everything within my control. If it feels scary, I am going to look in my partner's eyes, hold his hand, take deep breaths for myself and my baby, and focus on what I can control.
And finally, replace the thought. No matter what happens, I have a great birth team. Even if something unexpected happens, I know I will be surrounded by people who care about me and my baby.
2. Watch Your Words
There is life and death in the power of the tongue. The things you say out loud make a difference.
Not because saying the "right" words guarantees a certain birth. It doesn't. But the words you repeatedly say (out loud and in your mind) can shape the way you think about what is coming.
Example:
Your estimated due date is January 5th.
When someone asks when you are due, instead of saying January 5th, you can say:
"We expect baby in late December or early to mid January."
People may give you funny looks. They may ask for the specific date or think it is silly that you aren't sharing it.
But every time you repeat your EDD, you are reinforcing in your own mind that January 5th is when you are "supposed" to have this baby.
That can make it a shock if you go into labor at 38 weeks and incredibly frustrating if you are still pregnant at almost 42 weeks. And it can tempt you to feel like your body has done something wrong.
Instead, giving yourself a range reminds your own brain that you really do not know exactly when your baby will arrive if you are waiting for labor to begin on its own.
Another example:
Instead of saying, "I know labor is going to be so awful."
Try saying this (even better if you look yourself in the mirror while you say it!):
"I know bringing a baby into the world is hard work. I know how to work hard. I have a great plan, and I will take it one minute at a time, ushering peace and joy into the room as I breathe. If I feel scared in the moment, I will remind myself (insert your favorite birth affirmation here!)"
Your words can help shape where your mind goes when things get hard.
3. Watch and Learn
Ask your doula for birth vlogs that you can watch and learn from.
Write down questions that come up while you are watching so you can ask your doula about them. You may see something that makes you think, "Wait, what would happen if that happened to me?", "What would my options be?", or "What is that nurse talking about?"
Sometimes you don't know what questions to ask until you have heard someone else's story.
There are so many people who have shared positive birth stories online that you can learn from!
As you watch these vlogs, pay attention to what your own body is doing. You may notice your shoulders tightening, your jaw clenching, or your pelvic floor or thighs tensing.
When you notice that, practice relaxing those areas.
This is an opportunity to practice responding to intensity with relaxation instead of tension. Talk with your doula about the parts of you that tend to tense up the most and make note of what triggers that response. She can help remind you to relax those muscles when it is your turn to have your baby.
In addition, read some books.
Ask your doula. She has some good suggestions!
Your brain engages with a book differently than it does when you are scrolling. You may find it easier to really focus on and remember what you are learning when you are reading.
Or choose an audiobook! That gives you even more opportunities to learn and think while you are walking, driving, folding laundry, or doing things around the house.
4. Discover Your Why
Discovering your birth preferences is important, but let's take it a step further.
Ask yourself WHY you care about those preferences. Engage yourself with gentle curiosity.
One way to do this is to ask yourself "why?" seven times, peeling back another layer with each question.
This helps you get past the surface level and down to the core of your values and what is really behind your hopes and dreams for your birth.
You can do this with your fears, too.
"Why am I afraid of this?"
Then ask why again.
And again.
And again.
I am intentionally not giving you examples because I don't want you to adopt my answers as your own. This part is totally about you. No one else can know the true answers except you.
I suggest doing this with someone who knows you deeply and respects you enough to ask good questions and help you discover your own answers.
Once you know your "why" behind your preferences, it can become a source of motivation during labor and birth.
And once you know your "why" behind your fears, you can start addressing the deeper fear with truth instead of only reacting to what is on the surface.
5. Make Breathing and Relaxation a Habit
One of your best tools during labor, while your newborn is crying, when your toddler is having some big emotions, when you are overstimulated, when you are disagreeing with your partner, when you are stressed, etc., is taking deep breaths.
Why?
Because your breathing gives your body information.
When you slow down and take a deep breath, you are communicating to your body that you are safe. You are not running from a threat. You are not in immediate danger. You can slow down and work through the challenge in front of you. And honestly, it just makes the contractions hurt less.
Your mind responds to what your body is doing (cleansing breaths) and a cycle begins that helps bring you back to calm.
Try inhaling through your nose for a count of six and exhaling through your mouth for a count of four.
Then pick one area of your body to relax. Your shoulders. Your jaw. Your hands. Your pelvic floor.
Practice this multiple times a day.
Practice when you are uncomfortable. Practice when you are frustrated. Practice when you are overwhelmed. Practice when you are thinking about birth and feel a little afraid.
If you want an opportunity to practice while experiencing some discomfort, you can hold ice in your hands. This is obviously not meant to recreate a contraction. It simply gives you a little bit of discomfort to work through while practicing your breathing and relaxation.
Notice what parts of your body tense up.
Then practice softening them.
Make a genuine effort to practice this during your prenatal appointments and during conversations about labor, birth, and postpartum. When you get an ultrasound, have blood drawn, have a GBS test, or do anything else related to pregnancy, use it as an opportunity to practice.
You are training your brain and your body for the moment when things get intense.
Your breath during labor is not just about your own peace. Your baby is getting oxygen from your blood through the placenta and umbilical cord. Staying calm and breathing steadily is one of the ways you can support yourself and your baby during labor.
And this doesn't stop after birth.
When your newborn is crying and you cannot figure out why, calm yourself first. Take a few deep, cleansing breaths. Then you will be able to respond instead of react. You are teaching your baby what regulation looks like by practicing it yourself.
Then you will use the same skill when your toddler falls off the bed and your first instinct is to panic. He or she will instinctively look to you. Take a breath. Assess the situation. Then respond with calm.
And your baby will one day be a teenager. When they are arguing with you, the worst thing you can do is lose control.
There will be a million opportunities throughout parenthood to take calming breaths, and it won't ever make the situation worse!
And remember…no one is going to regulate themselves perfectly. You won't always remember to breathe. You will lose your patience sometimes. You will have moments when you completely fall apart.
That's okay. Pick yourself back up, and prepare yourself for next time.
But it is worth practicing because learning to regulate yourself will have an impact not only on you, but on your children, your relationship with them, and the tone of your home.
For more suggestions to mentally prepare for birth, ask your doula. There are lots of tips and tricks that can help you get your mind ready and strong for this amazing feat you are going to accomplish soon!
And after you give birth, you may find that all of this mental preparation helps you feel a little more ready for the next amazing feat: being someone's mom.
If you'd like a little help along the way, learning when to call your doula, your provider, and go to the hospital and remembering the importance of laughter in your birth are two more ways to prepare your mind for the day ahead. You can also explore our postpartum support for the fourth trimester.
